Monday Morning Blues

It's Monday morning, and I'm sitting here listening to Adele. I have a piping hot cup of coffee that I wish was a shot of tequila instead. I've been awake all fucking night. I'm exhausted, but my mind just won't shut the hell up long enough for me to sleep. I have a million things running through my mind right now. I haven't been in the habit of staying up all night long since my coke days. I took a dose of good ole Mr. K earlier, and I might as well have eaten a M&M instead. Adele...that bitch irritates me, but if you feel like shit & need music to fit the mood, that's your girl. Her hair, style, and most of her songs irritate the hell out of me. I'm not sure why. Hell, I don't know why the fuck it matters. I suppose I'm in a mixed state right now. I've been impulsive, irritable, restless, and the slut next door. On the other hand, I'm sad, discontent, cutting, and feel like hiding from the world. I'm a fucking mess! For what it's worth, I've taken my meds as prescribed despite my occasional alcohol use. I guess I kind of figure if that's what is going to kill me, so be it. I don't take massive amounts of medication, nor do I drink massive amounts of alcohol. Maybe we see "massive amounts" differently, I don't know. I kind of just don't give a fuck at the moment.

So, I've had a tough week. I'm having some suicidal thoughts. I even came up with a plan of action this time. My daughter is the only reason I haven't acted on it. If I didn't have her, I don't think I could come up with a reason to live. The only positive this week - meeting up with my high school BFF that I haven't seen in 10 years. I had to force myself to do it. It's not that I didn't want to see her, I just wasn't sure if I wanted to relive the past. Our friendship was during an era that I've tried hard to block out. I need to expand my social network, so I bit the bullet. Our kids played, and it was good for all of us. The negative this week - having gotten myself wrapped up in some sexual affair with my neighbor (Mr. C). I seen him again this weekend. I don't know how the hell he explains his whereabouts to the wife. I'm guessing the rest of the neighbors are starting to talk. Call me krazy, but I think the wife gave me the stank eye Friday. I feel like I'm repeating the same bullshit that I went through with my baby daddy. Mr. C already called to ask about coming over this morning. I'm giving it some thought. That's pretty fucking bold in broad daylight. Hell, I'm just trying to let him redeem himself for that 2 minute bullshit I got on Saturday. I mean seriously, are you 13?

I guess I need to get up, and take the rest of my krazy meds. It looks like a fucking pharmacy in there. OTC & prescription bottles. It's nuts!