Krazy Busy

It seems that my mania has tapered off. So, this post might not be nearly as exciting as previous posts. Mr. C is on my nerves, STILL, but I've still kept up with this ongoing affair. I'm not sure why. Then again, if I understood the reason behind the things I do I wouldn't need therapy. As if life isn't fucked up enough for me, my younger sister goes and triples my stress level. She decided to hop on the family bandwagon & become a "recreational drug user". Her words, not mine. Someone turned her into to Child Protective Services, and they decided it was best to place her 2 children with relatives while they investigate. Her 2yr old is with her paternal grandmother, & I have the 15 month old. My child has been out of diapers for quite some time. Having to go back to diapers, sippy cups, & soon to be potty training is NOT WHAT I PLANNED ON DOING THIS SUMMER! In my opinion, most of what was reported is true. However, my sister maintains her innocence. I love my sister, but when the baby's hair follicle showed positive for drugs, you aren't exactly innocent.

What is usually a 45 day investigation, will likely turn into something a tad bit longer. We also expect that my sister will be criminally charged, due to the positive hair follicle test on the baby. I have been clean of illegal drugs for what seems like forever. My whole family pretty much consists of alcoholics & junkies. Hell, the harshest drug I ever did was cocaine. Now I hear Meth is all the rage. Being in my wiser years, I'll settle for a klonopin & a cold beer here, and there. My mania is enough of a "high" for me. You can keep that other shit. I can barely afford to pay bills & buy food. What the fuck would I look like buying drugs?

I'm a lot of things....promiscuous, bitchy, stubborn, & a lil bit krazy, but a child abuser isn't one of them. I would trade my life for that of a child's. I have been a little overwhelmed taking care of an extra kid. This whole thing has been a bit of a culture shock. I am a little nervous that the state may question my ability to parent due to having been certified krazy. I have had to enlist the help of friends, because it is hard. I have days where I can't get out of bed. I have crying spells, and intense periods of anxiety. All of that makes my job as a parent tough. Having an older child, I can get away with a day in the bed here & there. A baby changes that for me. A baby changes a lot actually. I forgot what a cock blocker babies can be. I've had to get real creative to find time to get laid. Hell, by the time the kids are asleep, all I want to do is sleep. I never thought I would say it, but I think I could give up sex in exchange for 8 hrs of uninterrupted sleep every night.

Just another day....chronicling the krazy

SORRY, IT WAS A REESE'S KINDA DAY

So, today has been kind of a weird day for me. For starters, I have this pain radiating from my ass down to my toes. What the fuck is that? Did I pull my ass muscle? Who does that? How the fuck do you do that? It has me walking funny. It's really not cute. I've been nauseated for almost 2 days now. I'm not sure what that's about. Food, meat in particular, has been tasting really funny to me. I had shrimp that tasted like crap, & I love most seafood. I had chicken another time...took 2 bites, and threw that shit away. I think my lithium is fucking with my taste buds. It's so bad, I could eat lettuce for the rest of my days & be fine. I forgot to mention that detail to my head doctor. Even with the weird & bothersome physical shit going on, guess what....are you ready???

MENTALLY, I'M FEELING PRETTY FUCKING NORMAL TODAY!!!

I'm in uncharted territory, so I'm winging this shit. I mentioned in an earlier post that I pretty much have had 7 fuck buddies so far this year. Well, 3 of them (including Mr. C) called me for a booty call tonight. Then some new guy that I hardly know, & haven't met yet, asked if he could come over tonight. He has a fiance & baby at home. WTF? Did Dasani start putting Viagra in the fucking water? Ordinarily, I would probably hand out appointments & shit. You know, boredom & hypersexuality gets the best of me at times. I wasn't feeling all that shit today. Granted, I feel like I'm gonna barf at any moment. I'm still proud of myself for ignoring these sorry bastards. I felt like I was able to think a little more clearly. I'm by no means Ms. Morality, but 2 of these men are married & 1 engaged. Let's keep it real here, if I'm gonna be your whore on the side...What bill you want to pay? Rent, lights, phone....shit, pick one motherfucker! As if all that drama wasn't strange enough, another guy hit me up on Facebook. He's friends with my cousin, and lives in Missouri. You guessed it, MARRIED. I heard all the usual lines that married guys say...

1. I'll lose military benefits if we divorce right now
2. She has no family or friends, so I'm helping her until she can support herself when she rides out
3. She's let herself go since we've been married
4. She won't clean up, or do shit in the house

he threw in one I haven't heard before....

5. It takes an act of God to get her to orgasm

then there is my all time favorite....

6. She's a Bitch

Ok, so what the fuck does that make you since you married her? Why in the hell are you trying to holla from Missouri anyway? Holla loudly bitch, cuz I ain't hearing you! I swear, I must have a magnet for married/unavailable men. I have a pretty good Gay-dar, but I suck at scoping out the M&M's. (married men). M&M's are yummy, but in moderation. Oh, & oddly enough, he registered on the Gay-dar. Then, he felt the need to say he was completely straight. Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself? He also had the nerve to say I was bisexual. Just because I got down with a girl doesn't necessarily make me bisexual. I have no attraction to women, I just happened to have slept with one. There's a difference. I was sexually adventurous...get it right! I have tons of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, & drag queen friends...so fucking what. I just consider myself to be straight. I do have tons of fun in the gay bars though. I used to think that the swingers lifestyle was a bit much, but having 5 swinger friends, I get it now. That's pretty fucking awesome if you ask me. I haven't been to my 1st swinger's party yet, but it is on the To Do list. I turned down my first 2 invitations. My nerves eat me up at times. My BFF's mom wanted me to go with her to one. She's known me since I was 12yrs old. She is practically my 2nd momma. I felt weird about that one. I'm gonna need a whole lot of liquor & a fat one for that night, but I'm going to do it. Eventually. So, today was a weird, but much improved in my krazy life. I'm not saying I won't be a party animal tomorrow, but for today, I made a very good decision. YaY! Alright krazies, sending happy thoughts & happy pills your way =)    

Monday Morning Blues

It's Monday morning, and I'm sitting here listening to Adele. I have a piping hot cup of coffee that I wish was a shot of tequila instead. I've been awake all fucking night. I'm exhausted, but my mind just won't shut the hell up long enough for me to sleep. I have a million things running through my mind right now. I haven't been in the habit of staying up all night long since my coke days. I took a dose of good ole Mr. K earlier, and I might as well have eaten a M&M instead. Adele...that bitch irritates me, but if you feel like shit & need music to fit the mood, that's your girl. Her hair, style, and most of her songs irritate the hell out of me. I'm not sure why. Hell, I don't know why the fuck it matters. I suppose I'm in a mixed state right now. I've been impulsive, irritable, restless, and the slut next door. On the other hand, I'm sad, discontent, cutting, and feel like hiding from the world. I'm a fucking mess! For what it's worth, I've taken my meds as prescribed despite my occasional alcohol use. I guess I kind of figure if that's what is going to kill me, so be it. I don't take massive amounts of medication, nor do I drink massive amounts of alcohol. Maybe we see "massive amounts" differently, I don't know. I kind of just don't give a fuck at the moment.

So, I've had a tough week. I'm having some suicidal thoughts. I even came up with a plan of action this time. My daughter is the only reason I haven't acted on it. If I didn't have her, I don't think I could come up with a reason to live. The only positive this week - meeting up with my high school BFF that I haven't seen in 10 years. I had to force myself to do it. It's not that I didn't want to see her, I just wasn't sure if I wanted to relive the past. Our friendship was during an era that I've tried hard to block out. I need to expand my social network, so I bit the bullet. Our kids played, and it was good for all of us. The negative this week - having gotten myself wrapped up in some sexual affair with my neighbor (Mr. C). I seen him again this weekend. I don't know how the hell he explains his whereabouts to the wife. I'm guessing the rest of the neighbors are starting to talk. Call me krazy, but I think the wife gave me the stank eye Friday. I feel like I'm repeating the same bullshit that I went through with my baby daddy. Mr. C already called to ask about coming over this morning. I'm giving it some thought. That's pretty fucking bold in broad daylight. Hell, I'm just trying to let him redeem himself for that 2 minute bullshit I got on Saturday. I mean seriously, are you 13?

I guess I need to get up, and take the rest of my krazy meds. It looks like a fucking pharmacy in there. OTC & prescription bottles. It's nuts!

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How I Explain My Scars

I had unprotected sex with a porcupine.

I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life.

The neighborhood cat and I had a disagreement about the paw prints on my truck.

The police didn't comply with the terrorists' demands fast enough, so they took it out on us hostages.

This first one is kind of lame, but it's what I use most often: "Um, uh...I, uh....you see....I...uh...Well,...." At which they usually try to help me out by replying, "Did you fall?" And I say, "Yes, thanks."

Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet.

I hurt myself.

I keep falling off of cliffs trying to catch that damned roadrunner.

"I was oyster hunting." They give me a blank stare. Then I say, with a wink, "You've obviously never been oyster hunting before."

"It's a long story." They usually leave me alone, but this one guy said, "I've got time." Then I said, "I fell. [long pause] Ok, so it's obviously not THAT long."

I was at this party with Marilyn Manson and everyone was giving out hugs.

I lost a fight with a can of tuna fish.

I slipped while making a salad.

I fell asleep, and the clown got me.

I'll just put it this way: when they tell you not to feed the bears, it's for a damned good reason.

I thought those security tags on pants just sprayed ink, but apparently they spray shards of broken glass, too.

Those aren't cuts, they're mehendi.

Don't worry about it. Because of me, they now have a warning label!

What are you talking about?? (as I quickly pull my sleeves up.)

Damn Cat.

Well, when I was younger, I had this dream that a dog was following me...he ran, and I ran, but the faster I ran, the more he sped up. I wanted to get to safety, to my house...I was almost there...but right when I got to the front porch, he bit me. Everywhere. Lots of times. Making marks that don't look like bites at all. And when I woke up... ::wide eyes:: and I had THESE.

"What scars?" They usually reply "those ones," to which I reply, "I don't see anything."

The voices told me to do it.

I wrestle Tigers...

I got them climbing a fence to escape this hell-hole. (said at school)

(said to a guy who thinks I worship the devil) I did this as a sacramental offering to my dark lord, you prick. ::Smile::

(about scars on my stomach) "Oh, those are from having my baby." "You don't have a baby!" "No, but I could."

None of your business, you stupid (insert appropriate curse word here)

I did it. (Hey, honesty works sometimes)

Not my original work. The site that this came from doesn't exist anymore.

Read with CAUTION....Not for the Squeamish
(Feb 8, 2008 original write date)

I have learned, discovered, and tried many things being in my twenties. Most of which I probably wouldn't do again. About 2 or 3 weeks ago I had an unfortunate sexual mishap. It was just so damn funny(afterwards) I felt the need to share what ordinarily would have been a mortifying experience. Have you ever heard that a blonde can't chew gum and walk at the same time? Well, that's not all we can't do while chewing gum. Being the safety queen that I am, I engaged in a sexual act while chewing gum. You would think that my dumb ass would have figured out a long time ago that it doesn't work like that. I'm not a self-proclaimed pro at giving head, but I'm not exactly a rookie either. My head went down and as I came back up there was this long string of gum . Duh, it sticks to latex. I have no idea what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't thinking. As if that wasn't bad enough, the only response I could give was "I guess I should have swallowed that first." I'm sure that left him even more confused than I. I know everyone has had a sexual mishap or two in their life, but where do we draw the line between mishap and common sense?

Why I'm almost 30, still single, & may be single for the rest of my life!

 Friday, February 17, 2012 at 9:33pm (original write date)

I've done a little reflecting on my past relationships, and why I think they didn't work out. Besides the fact that they were fucked up, each in their own way...I too seem to have an unconventional way of thinking. I'm trying, but I'm losing faith that therapy is going to fix this. Here goes....

1. I probably need more space than a "normal" female would. We can cuddle & do grown up things while awake, but when I'm ready to go to sleep...sleep in your own bed....in another room!

2. You have absolutely NO say in the way I parent my daughter. You are not her mother or her piece of shit father. Hell, if you and I had kids together, it's still WHAT MOMMA SAYS IS THE WAY IT IS.

3. I will never have a joint bank account, or any assets with you. I'm not willing to bet half my shit that you are going to love me forever, & I'm going to love you forever. Apparently forever is not as long as it used to be. What's mine is mine, & what's ours is mine : )

4. I don't want to cook every single day, & when I do, maybe I want to fucking cook out of pink/purple pots and pans!

5. If you piss on my toilet seat or on my floor, you will likely throw me into a fit of rage that you have never seen before. I will most likely stab you over, and over, and over...until I think you've fully understood that YOU ARE A DISGUSTING ASS PIG.

6. I have no interest in perfecting the fine art of fellatio ON DEMAND. Are you serious? I've never done as I was told to do...just ask my momma.

7. I have ZERO tolerance for a sorry S.O.B that thinks he's gonna get brave, and put his hands on me. I hit back mother fucker. Oh, maybe I should mention that I'm certifiable crazy. I can make your death look like an accident : )

8. I like to sleep...A LOT!!! I'd rather sleep than watch you play video games or watch sports...just sayin. If you're interested in entertaining me though, let me know ; )

9. Maybe I need to go back over #1 again. I can't stand a man up my ass all the time. You have to let me breathe. I need quiet time to read, sleep, surf the net, go shopping, etc. It's nothing personal, I just like my alone time sometimes.

10. I have my own problems & struggles. I can't help you through your traumas & addictions. To be with me, I suggest you have NO addictions. I'm almost 30, not 21. My partying days are over. I'm a mother, & I won't risk losing my daughter because you are still immature.

BOTTOM LINE: It's going to take one hell of a man to bend, break, & mold himself into my lifestyle. Maybe my views & expectations are not realistic, but that's the way it is....at least for now. I can do bad by myself. I won't accept less than my version of perfect. I'm a single mom, struggling, but holding it down for me & mine. I'd rather struggle than to have someone that disrupts my inner peace. At times, I get a little envious of seemingly happy couples. Then I remember, things are not always as they appear. So...that's that.