How I Explain My Scars

I had unprotected sex with a porcupine.

I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life.

The neighborhood cat and I had a disagreement about the paw prints on my truck.

The police didn't comply with the terrorists' demands fast enough, so they took it out on us hostages.

This first one is kind of lame, but it's what I use most often: "Um, uh...I, uh....you see....I...uh...Well,...." At which they usually try to help me out by replying, "Did you fall?" And I say, "Yes, thanks."

Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet.

I hurt myself.

I keep falling off of cliffs trying to catch that damned roadrunner.

"I was oyster hunting." They give me a blank stare. Then I say, with a wink, "You've obviously never been oyster hunting before."

"It's a long story." They usually leave me alone, but this one guy said, "I've got time." Then I said, "I fell. [long pause] Ok, so it's obviously not THAT long."

I was at this party with Marilyn Manson and everyone was giving out hugs.

I lost a fight with a can of tuna fish.

I slipped while making a salad.

I fell asleep, and the clown got me.

I'll just put it this way: when they tell you not to feed the bears, it's for a damned good reason.

I thought those security tags on pants just sprayed ink, but apparently they spray shards of broken glass, too.

Those aren't cuts, they're mehendi.

Don't worry about it. Because of me, they now have a warning label!

What are you talking about?? (as I quickly pull my sleeves up.)

Damn Cat.

Well, when I was younger, I had this dream that a dog was following me...he ran, and I ran, but the faster I ran, the more he sped up. I wanted to get to safety, to my house...I was almost there...but right when I got to the front porch, he bit me. Everywhere. Lots of times. Making marks that don't look like bites at all. And when I woke up... ::wide eyes:: and I had THESE.

"What scars?" They usually reply "those ones," to which I reply, "I don't see anything."

The voices told me to do it.

I wrestle Tigers...

I got them climbing a fence to escape this hell-hole. (said at school)

(said to a guy who thinks I worship the devil) I did this as a sacramental offering to my dark lord, you prick. ::Smile::

(about scars on my stomach) "Oh, those are from having my baby." "You don't have a baby!" "No, but I could."

None of your business, you stupid (insert appropriate curse word here)

I did it. (Hey, honesty works sometimes)

Not my original work. The site that this came from doesn't exist anymore.