(Feb 8, 2008 original write date)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Read with CAUTION....Not for the Squeamish
(Feb 8, 2008 original write date)
I have learned, discovered, and tried many things being in my
twenties. Most of which I probably wouldn't do again. About 2 or 3 weeks
ago I had an unfortunate sexual mishap. It was just so damn
funny(afterwards) I felt the need to share what ordinarily would have
been a mortifying experience. Have you ever heard that a blonde can't
chew gum and walk at the same time? Well, that's not all we can't do
while chewing gum. Being the safety queen that I am, I engaged in a
sexual act while chewing gum. You would think that my dumb ass would
have figured out a long time ago that it doesn't work like that. I'm not a self-proclaimed pro
at giving head, but I'm not exactly a rookie either. My head went down
and as I came back up there was this long string of gum . Duh, it sticks
to latex. I have no idea what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't
thinking. As if that wasn't bad enough, the only response I could give
was "I guess I should have swallowed that first." I'm sure that left him
even more confused than I. I know everyone has had a sexual mishap or
two in their life, but where do we draw the line between mishap and
common sense?
(Feb 8, 2008 original write date)
Why I'm almost 30, still single, & may be single for the rest of my life!
Friday, February 17, 2012 at 9:33pm (original write date)
I've
done a little reflecting on my past relationships, and why I think they
didn't work out. Besides the fact that they were fucked up, each in
their own way...I too seem to have an unconventional way of thinking.
I'm trying, but I'm losing faith that therapy is going to fix this. Here
goes....
1. I probably need more space than a "normal" female would. We can cuddle & do grown up things while awake, but when I'm ready to go to sleep...sleep in your own bed....in another room!
2. You have absolutely NO say in the way I parent my daughter. You are not her mother or her piece of shit father. Hell, if you and I had kids together, it's still WHAT MOMMA SAYS IS THE WAY IT IS.
3. I will never have a joint bank account, or any assets with you. I'm not willing to bet half my shit that you are going to love me forever, & I'm going to love you forever. Apparently forever is not as long as it used to be. What's mine is mine, & what's ours is mine : )
4. I don't want to cook every single day, & when I do, maybe I want to fucking cook out of pink/purple pots and pans!
5. If you piss on my toilet seat or on my floor, you will likely throw me into a fit of rage that you have never seen before. I will most likely stab you over, and over, and over...until I think you've fully understood that YOU ARE A DISGUSTING ASS PIG.
6. I have no interest in perfecting the fine art of fellatio ON DEMAND. Are you serious? I've never done as I was told to do...just ask my momma.
7. I have ZERO tolerance for a sorry S.O.B that thinks he's gonna get brave, and put his hands on me. I hit back mother fucker. Oh, maybe I should mention that I'm certifiable crazy. I can make your death look like an accident : )
8. I like to sleep...A LOT!!! I'd rather sleep than watch you play video games or watch sports...just sayin. If you're interested in entertaining me though, let me know ; )
9. Maybe I need to go back over #1 again. I can't stand a man up my ass all the time. You have to let me breathe. I need quiet time to read, sleep, surf the net, go shopping, etc. It's nothing personal, I just like my alone time sometimes.
10. I have my own problems & struggles. I can't help you through your traumas & addictions. To be with me, I suggest you have NO addictions. I'm almost 30, not 21. My partying days are over. I'm a mother, & I won't risk losing my daughter because you are still immature.
BOTTOM LINE: It's going to take one hell of a man to bend, break, & mold himself into my lifestyle. Maybe my views & expectations are not realistic, but that's the way it is....at least for now. I can do bad by myself. I won't accept less than my version of perfect. I'm a single mom, struggling, but holding it down for me & mine. I'd rather struggle than to have someone that disrupts my inner peace. At times, I get a little envious of seemingly happy couples. Then I remember, things are not always as they appear. So...that's that.
1. I probably need more space than a "normal" female would. We can cuddle & do grown up things while awake, but when I'm ready to go to sleep...sleep in your own bed....in another room!
2. You have absolutely NO say in the way I parent my daughter. You are not her mother or her piece of shit father. Hell, if you and I had kids together, it's still WHAT MOMMA SAYS IS THE WAY IT IS.
3. I will never have a joint bank account, or any assets with you. I'm not willing to bet half my shit that you are going to love me forever, & I'm going to love you forever. Apparently forever is not as long as it used to be. What's mine is mine, & what's ours is mine : )
4. I don't want to cook every single day, & when I do, maybe I want to fucking cook out of pink/purple pots and pans!
5. If you piss on my toilet seat or on my floor, you will likely throw me into a fit of rage that you have never seen before. I will most likely stab you over, and over, and over...until I think you've fully understood that YOU ARE A DISGUSTING ASS PIG.
6. I have no interest in perfecting the fine art of fellatio ON DEMAND. Are you serious? I've never done as I was told to do...just ask my momma.
7. I have ZERO tolerance for a sorry S.O.B that thinks he's gonna get brave, and put his hands on me. I hit back mother fucker. Oh, maybe I should mention that I'm certifiable crazy. I can make your death look like an accident : )
8. I like to sleep...A LOT!!! I'd rather sleep than watch you play video games or watch sports...just sayin. If you're interested in entertaining me though, let me know ; )
9. Maybe I need to go back over #1 again. I can't stand a man up my ass all the time. You have to let me breathe. I need quiet time to read, sleep, surf the net, go shopping, etc. It's nothing personal, I just like my alone time sometimes.
10. I have my own problems & struggles. I can't help you through your traumas & addictions. To be with me, I suggest you have NO addictions. I'm almost 30, not 21. My partying days are over. I'm a mother, & I won't risk losing my daughter because you are still immature.
BOTTOM LINE: It's going to take one hell of a man to bend, break, & mold himself into my lifestyle. Maybe my views & expectations are not realistic, but that's the way it is....at least for now. I can do bad by myself. I won't accept less than my version of perfect. I'm a single mom, struggling, but holding it down for me & mine. I'd rather struggle than to have someone that disrupts my inner peace. At times, I get a little envious of seemingly happy couples. Then I remember, things are not always as they appear. So...that's that.
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